Christmas has been my absolute least favorite major U.S. holiday since I was a child. Of course, when I was very young, I loved it because I got presents. I have Bipolar I Disorder, and it onset when I was a child. At first, it manifested itself in severe depressions. It went untreated for a long time. With the depressions came a hatred of the holidays. I have spent a lot of my adult life trying to unpack why I hate this time of year so much. I think it started out simply enough, but my distaste for it deepened as I got older and my reasons grew.
In the beginning, I think I disliked Christmas just because I felt very isolated in my depression, I did not enjoy social gatherings, and Christmas was a big deal in my family. I had to go, had to pretend that I was happy, pretend I was grateful to receive gifts that I genuinely could not enjoy because my depression would not let me. It felt like I was faking my way through the holiday. It was exhausting. And I developed a grudge against it.
As I grew older, I began to resent how damn expensive the holiday is on top of the depression aspect, and how much everyone expects. The rampant materialism fueling the capitalist system completely remove all the meaning behind the spirit of Christmas. I hate having unrealistic expectations placed on me, so the financial and emotional expectations were nearly crushing.
Additionally, I was a retail worker for a very long time, and in customer service roles beyond that – and never are people worse to each other than November/December, and that’s saying something because customer service workers are treated like shit year-round.
Ultimately, my grandmother was one of the most influential people in my life, and it was her favorite holiday. Christmas was her JAM. When she passed in 2018, that just added another layer of my hatred of Christmas.
I cry every single Christmas and am miserable most of the month of December in anticipation of Christmas.
In 2019, I moved 3,000 miles away from where I grew up, and I have been doing my best to celebrate holidays in the ways that work best for me. I include only people I want around, celebrate with traditions that I enjoy, and frequently (except for last year due to the pandemic) find myself in church to seek the peace that I cannot find at home. I am trying my best to reframe how I view the holidays for my own mental health.
All that to say that using horror to unpack all my least favorite parts of Christmas is combining my love of horror and my hatred of Christmas, and it is going to be incredibly therapeutic. I think it will help my healing. I am hoping it will help others who struggle with Christmas depression to feel heard and understood. I am hoping that it will provide a good distraction to those who are forced to be alone during the holidays. Horror is a tool we can use for many purposes, it is not just about scaring people. It is about reaching people. And I think that real life is full of horrors anyway, but the horror genre can use those horrors to speak uncomfortable truths, and help people feel less alone, just like any other genre can.
When it is published, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I will enjoy writing it.
– Justine
