People who read can tell you a lot about people. We understand them in ways that others do not. Some of us love a good hero, some of us prefer an antihero, some love the sidekicks, and others of us fall in love with at least pieces of every villain we meet. I fall into the latter category. I love a good villain more than almost any other character involved. Sometimes I’m truly hoping they will win (even though they rarely do).
This love of villains and villainy has given me some insights into how to handle the unlovable characters in my life – both the real and the imagined.
As a horror author, I write a lot of characters that I find unsavory. I still love them, because I have an ability to empathize with and understand people who do awful things. That remains true even if I completely disagree with their decisions. I can apply this ability to understanding the real-life people that come off like a true antagonist every time I’m near them.
Here are a few steps to learning to understand the villains in your life:
- Remember we are all fucked up
Sure, some of us have a stronger moral compass or a better code of ethics that guide us, but we are all fucked up in our own ways. Some of us have learned to control ourselves. Some of us actively try to be better people. Some of us have support that helps keep us on track when our issues begin to take control. Not all of us have these advantages, and our damage becomes more obvious and more destructive. The first step to understanding the antagonist before you is remember they are just as fucked up as everyone else, and for whatever reason, they either do not realize how screwy they are, or they have decided to just roll with it. Thinking you are better than them will get you nowhere. We could all be disgusting human beings if our lives had been just a little bit different. - Notice their behavior
Chances are good that they behave the way that they do for a reason. It can be hard to decipher behavior at times, but noticing it is the first step. Are they the most tyrannical when they are stressed? Do they bulldoze over everyone else in a conversation when they are excited, or when they are being ignored? Do they have that annoying habit when they are anxious, or does being annoying stop them from feeling ignored? All behaviors point to a desire, they all help us meet at least one of our needs, even if they do so in a destructive way. Understanding when they become intolerable to be around will help you figure out the next step. - Identify the need driving the behavior
This can be difficult, especially if you do not know the person well, but you may be able to imagine why someone in general would use that behavior in those moments. If they are extra monstrous when they are under stress, they may need to learn healthy ways to cope with stress, or they may feel exacting more control makes them less stressed. If they dominate a conversation out of excitement, they may be neurodivergent or just poorly socialized, but if they do so when they are being ignored, they may have a need to feel significant to those around them. They may develop annoying habits when they are anxious because they are neurodivergent and it helps them release their anxiety, but they may choose to be annoying because of a need for attention. - Identify your course of action
If this person means a great deal to you, you may consider trying to help them meet their needs in a more constructive way. If this person is a co-worker, you may choose compassionate avoidance, choosing not to share their space but not antagonize them or speak badly about them behind their back. If you have realized that someone important to you has a need that they could meet more constructively, but they refuse to see a problem with their behavior, you may choose to tell them you love them but you cannot be around them until some changes are made.
Loving the unlovable characters in your life often does mean loving them from a safe distance. There should be no ill will. Everyone is doing the best that they can with the tools and circumstances they have been given, but that does not mean we have to tolerate inappropriate behavior out of love. It will only hurt us. But love is a state of being, and it does us a world of good to love as often as humanly possible, even if we are loving those we prefer not to be around, those we disagree with, or those we don’t really even like.
— Justine
