Seriously, stop glorifying unhealthy relationships in fiction.
We all have some piece of fiction that pops up into our heads when we are discussing gross relationships in books. What is most staggering to me is how frequently these unhealthy relationships are found in young adult (YA) fiction. Impressionable young people learn that the worst kind of partners are ideal at an early age through YA books. From codependency to flat-out abusive situations, many relationships in YA stories are glorified as being the goal when they contain multiple elements that twist the reader’s view of healthy romance. This is not a problem limited to YA, however. Plenty of adult novels glorify unhealthy relationships and lifestyles as well.
The top examples that I have heard are the Twilight series, where Bella is so obsessed with controlling midnight stalker Edward that she tries to kill herself when he disappears without explanation. After this emotional rollercoaster, they still get married and she gets her ideal life as a vampire. It’s truly nauseating to behold. The adult equivalent would be 50 Shades of Grey, where Anastasia is completely addicted to the narcissistic abuser Christian Grey, who pretends his truly disgusting ways are BDSM. The poor writing style is far from the worst thing about these series. People have the right to enjoy whatever fiction makes them happy, but modeling your ideal relationship on novels like these is a massive disservice to yourself and your future.
As a horror writer, most of my main characters are psychopaths, homicidal nonhuman entities, or people in desperate situations ready to kill. Romance does not play a huge part in many of my stories except as a plot device, but it will play a prominent role in one, The Legend of Sam Hain. This relationship will be based on mutual understanding, trust, and respect. The characters in question will make each other better by simply being who they are. It should be easy, natural, and completely healthy – exactly the way that it should be in real life.
The opposite side of the spectrum, my upcoming short story collection Heartbroken & Homicidal, takes a look at love from a very different angle – as a plot device. It examines the role that love plays in homicidal tendencies, how psychopaths experience love, and how sane people can be driven to kill by the ones they love. These stories are meant to take the reader on a journey, but they in no way glorify these unhealthy relationships. If anything, they should be a cautionary tale to be careful who you let into your life. If someone seems too good to be true, they probably are. The horror of the situations examined in the stories is evident. I in no way encourage the kinds of relationships that are shown.
So, from the psychopathic minds of my characters, I have compiled a list of ways you can identify unhealthy relationships early on.
- Stalking – it is never innocuous or endearing to have someone show up everywhere you go, and ‘accidentally’ bumping into someone a lot is a huge red flag (eg Joe from You)
- Lying – someone who loves you and is all-in will not lie about their interactions with other people, where they go, how they spend their time, or about your role in their life
- Disappearances – no one who loves you will ghost you for days with no explanation and expect you to be okay with that
- Manipulation – if the person wants to manipulate you into doing things their way all the time, it is not a good sign
- Verbal Abuse – preying on your weaknesses during an argument is exclusive to narcissists and psychopaths, no one who loves you will try to tear you down over a disagreement
- Controlling Behavior – no one that loves and trusts you needs to read all your conversations, get a report before and after you go out, or tell you what you are ‘allowed’ to wear or do
- Violence – in the heat of the moment, things can happen, but no well-adjusted human is comfortable hurting someone they love, period
- Expectations – a healthy relationship comes with few expectations, but an unhealthy relationship will be burdened by the weight of unrealistic and unattainable expectations
- Marriage – someone who brings up marriage too quickly is a red flag as they want to possess you in every sense as soon as possible
- Degradation – to your face and behind your back, an abuser will make you sound like an unreasonable, incompetent human, and themselves the patient saint taking care of you
Bonus:
Threats of Violence – perhaps they have never hurt you, but they speak often about hurting or killing you, to your face or otherwise. Anyone who does this is definitely capable of it. Believe them. It’s not a joke.
Love is one of the most glorious things we as humans will ever experience. Do not waste yours on people (real or fictional) that corrupt it and then glorify the corruption like it is the ultimate romantic goal. Stay away from books that make it seem like unhealthy relationships are normal or ideal. Stay away from people that think unhealthy relationships are normal or ideal. If we read enough books that tell us what love looks like, we will begin to believe it, even if they are modeling something that is very dangerous in real life. Be cautious with the media you consume, and ask yourself if the ship you have is healthy. What we focus on tends to manifest into reality in our own lives. If we tend to love the walking red flags when we are reading, chances are good we are attracted to similar personality types in real life – but if we change up what we read and idealize, we may shift our own type to a more healthy one.
If you need assistance leaving an abusive situation, the domestic violence helpline is 800.799.7233 or visit thehotline.org (has an emergency escape feature if you are interrupted).
